"I hate that I want. If I could get to the point where I don't want anyone to care or love me, life would be perfect."
The girl who said these words was aware of her longings. Her dam had broken—and she hated it. She did not want to long for anything . . . or anyone. That is the response for many of us.
We don't want to want. God designed us to long for relationship, but we wish he didn't. Why? The answer lies in several fears that we have about ourselves in relationship. We may believe our longings are too strong—that others won't be able to handle us or our longings. We may believe our longings will get us into trouble by causing us to be too intimate in a relationship, or we may believe our longings simply won't be met. These are our fears. The reality, however, is not too far off. The truth is that, this side of heaven, our longings are very rarely met when—or in the way — we want them to be.
Another high school girl recently told us, "I would rather not feel than feel disappointment." This young girl gives to her friends in tremendous ways. She is aware of them, listens to them, and lives her life with a commitment to care for them in a way that is rare among teenage girls. But she longs for that kind of love to be returned. She was not just created to give, but also to receive, and her friends drop the ball regularly, as friends often do.
So how does this girl respond? She does what so many of us do as women. She runs back to the dam. She sticks her fingers into the fissures to try to plug up the ever-increasing holes.
Girls do this . . . women do this. As soon as we realize that the dam has burst, we start trying to plug it up. Even with water pouring out all over us, we still believe there is something we can do to stop this flood of our longing hearts.
The primary ways girls try to deal with the holes are:
J Ignoring the holes — denial J Filling the holes—addictions J Breaking down the dam—self-hatred
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