Being Assertive

Your Perfect Right

Your Perfect Right

Always wondered if you could use assertiveness and equality in your relationships and in your life? Here are some great information on how to be more assertive! Do you want to improve your career and the amount of money that you bring home? Do you want to break all the sales records in your office? Do you want to bring home more money? Do you feel as though you are just short of reaching all of your goals?

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You are being assertive when you identify your feelings, such as feeling safe, comfortable or threatened. You check if you are feeling happy, sad, angry or scared. Then you work out when and how to release these feelings. You listen to your gut feelings to protect yourself, then show signs of friendliness, use direct 'I' statements when suitable (see Chapter 11), ask for help or release your bad feelings in constructive ways, e.g. sport. You use self-respect to protect yourself, without being disrespectful or destructive to others. You use assertiveness skills like an emotional sunscreen. Assertive children use their power effectively to create a win-win situation. Passive, aggressive or assertive Assertive 'No, I'm nicely padded.' Assertive 'Thanks for telling me.' Passive Upset, cries, slinks off. Aggressive Retaliates, punches and kicks back. Assertive Tickles her under her armpits.

Antidote Serenity Patience Cooperation

We are really concerned about our eight-year-old daughter. She is so bossy around her friends. She dictates what she wants so things always turn out her way and let's them know in no uncertain terms what she wants. We know that someday her bossiness might turn into assertive leadership, but we're afraid if she doesn't tame her ways, she's going to end up very unpopular.

Facing Your Own Bad Attitudes

Domineering, spirited, and assertive or more laid back, mellow, and quiet How did your behaviors affect your relationship with your friends How about how your parents interacted with you Has anybody complained about your being bossy lately Who complained, and what did that person say Do you ever tell people what to do without stopping to consider their needs or feelings Do you use that bossy, domineering behavior toward your own kids For instance, would they say you are more of a bulldozer, or do you see your behavior as assertive Have you ever corrected your own domineering missteps in front of your child

Whats Wrong With Your Current Response

Is it possible that you or others might be encouraging his bossiness For instance, might someone (parent, teacher, sibling, peer, relative, caregiver, coach, or yourself) be intentionally or unintentionally reinforcing the attitude by labeling it assertive, independent, confident, outgoing, or a leadership capability Tune into your own behavior to make sure you are not reinforcing it in any way.

Step Make Your Kid Waitand Dont Give In

Research by Walter Mischel, a psychologist at Stanford University, confirmed just how beneficial patience is by challenging a group of four year olds Did they want a marshmal-low immediately, or could they wait a few minutes until a researcher returned, at which point they could have two marshmallows The researchers then followed up on the kids upon their high school graduation and found that those who had been able to wait for those marshmallows years before at age four now were far more socially competent they were found to be more personally effective, self-assertive, and better able to deal with the frustrations of life.The one-third who waited longest also had significantly higher SAT scores by an average of two hundred points on the total verbal and math scores combined than the teens who at age four couldn't wait. Make your kids wait a bit and learn to be patient. Ignore their protests and tirades in the end, you're doing them a favor.

Bring workplace skills home

Most people who go to work receive some training to improve work relationships. The skills you learn at work can be used at home, e.g. how to deal with difficult people, assertiveness skills and conflict resolution. Similarly, the basic social survival skills in this book are used in training seminars - you can bring them back to work

Using retorts or comebacks

All of the following retorts have been created by children and have worked Even traumatised children and parents can find something suitable. I have included lots of examples to defuse your pain with humour and block the bully. You can 'mix 'n' match' retorts. As long as it is assertive, not passive or aggressive, the results are great.

Contexts of Parenting

Culture influences parenting patterns and child development from very early in infancy through such factors as when and how parents care for infants, the extent to which parents permit infants freedom to explore, how nurturant or restrictive parents are, which behaviors parents emphasize, and so forth (Benedict, 1938 Bornstein, 1991 Erikson, 1950 Whiting, 1981). For example, Japan and the United States maintain reasonably similar levels of modernity and living standards and both are child centered, but the two differ dramatically in terms of history, culture, beliefs, and childrearing goals (e.g., Azuma, 1986 Bornstein, 1989e Caudill, 1973). Japanese mothers expect early mastery of emotional maturity, self-control, and social courtesy in their offspring, whereas U.S. American mothers expect early mastery of verbal competence and self-actualization in theirs. American mothers promote autonomy and organize social interactions with their infants so as to foster physical and verbal...

Create your own power pack Secret

You need to protect yourself from mean, nasty and abusive people wherever they are - at home, school, or later at work. Besides, children don't respect 'nice' children - they respect children who are genuine, who stand up for themselves, speak their mind and say what they feel children who don't put up with uncomfortable, stressful or abusive behaviours who don't inflame a difficult situation, but defuse it. They are the popular ones. Everyone wants to be their friend When you use assertive, self-protective behaviours, most bullies back off and respect you. In fact, dealing with stressful encounters and bullying is part of any relationship. It is an essential social survival skill.

Gut talk the magic I word

The 'I' word is the basis of assertive language, or 'gut talk'. It looks really simple, but very few people use it successfully at home, at school or socially. This type of language doesn't blame, attack or make anyone defensive. You just take responsibility for what you think, feel and say. Just compare 'It's nice being with you' to 'I like being with you' or 'You shouldn't interrupt' to 'I don't like you interrupting me'. Assertive language forces the other person to provide you with instant feedback. You can find out whether he cares about what you feel or not. You actually make him accountable. For example 'I feel that '

Parents action plan coaching guidelines

Is he copying everyone else in his group, or is it due to other stressors Assess your family role models and get help to change. Encourage your child to become nicer, more assertive and constructive so that he can enjoy positive relationships and run less Demonstrate the difference between aggressive, passive and assertive behaviours.

Your voice is your transmitter

Animals mainly understand the tone of your voice, not your words. Your voice establishes who you are. Just as your accent shows your origins, a mumble reflects fear. Children know whether to respect or to bully you. If you have a babyish voice, they won't respect you. If your voice is animated, you are seen as assertive. Practise sounding clear, firm and assertive. Try whispering with a smile on your face, while moving up very close to a bully. This will look assertive.

Social beings survive better

Children who have a solid group of friends are generally less likely to be bullied than the loner or the child with a single friend. That's because most bullies are wimps who avoid children with a strong network of assertive friends. Sharon was bullied for years ather old school. Eventually she moved on to a nice, new school. Everyone was friendly. One little girl wanted Sharon to be her best friend. 'What should I do ' Sharon asked me. I replied, 'No-one lives on rice alone. You also eat potato, pasta, chocolate, chips and ice cream. You need a bunch of goodfriends rather than being handcuffed to onefriend. Then you can improve your social skills, widenyour network and block bullies. If you lost one friend for any reason, e.g. they moved far away, you still have others. You won't be scared about being assertive because if friends don't like you being yourself, then you can make some more because you have the skills.'

Step Teach Ways to Buck the Pressure to Cheat

Your child will need more than just a talk to say no.The best way to help her stand up to peer pressure is by teaching her a few assertive strategies such as the ones that follow. Just make sure you help her rehearse them over and over until she can confidently use them on his own. Peer pressures facing today's kids are enormous. Of course, we always hope that our kids will be able to say no to such negative influences. Doing so is often difficult because such choices are not always popular with their peers.The truth is that it takes real moral strength not to be influenced by others.We must help our children develop the inner strength of character needed to buffer negative pressures and then teach them specific skills of assertive-ness. Only then will they be able to stand up to their peers. Repeat your decision. Tell your child it's sometimes helpful to repeat his decision several times like a broken record No, it's not right. No, it's not right. It makes him sound assertive and...

Bullying and Aggression

Young children must be taught the difference between healthy assertiveness and unhealthy aggression, taking the rights and feelings of others into consideration. The goods for goodies method is extremely effective at helping your child deal with this. Be careful, though, to keep from sabotaging yourself and the effectiveness of this method. Remember to avoid

Be a copycat

You can copy the way popular, assertive children behave in social and difficult situations. Check the feedback to make sure you are improving. Look at movies and television shows to see how confident people behave observe their appearance, clothes, hairstyle, voice, body language and ability to confront bullies.

Face talk

You can train the muscles of your face to be neutral (with nasty bullies) or animated (for family and friends), depending on the situation. You need to work out how to relax your eyes, jaw and cheeks. Your lips can't be floppy or rigid, but can be manipulated to deliver a clear, firm, assertive message.

Find the smile

Tell your child The smile is the first sign of power. It's a sign that you can see your situation from another angle. You can see how the bullying game can change. You can shift your attitude from feeling stuck, helpless, hopeless and powerless, to understanding the value of learning assertive skills and taking away the bully's power. At the unconscious level the smile shows that you like being assertive and you sense that it won't be hard.

Individual Factors

Men's attitudes, motivation, and skills. Paternal attitudes, motivation, skills and personality are important determinants of father involvement (Jain et al., 1996 Lamb, 1987 Lamb et al., 1987). There has been a considerable body of research concerning the relation between gender-role attitudes and paternal involvement. Gender-role attitudes are usually indexed by scales measuring masculinity, femininity, and androgyny. In spite of the early promise of laboratory studies, which showed a link between men's higher scores on the traditional femininity scale of the Bem Sex Role Inventory and their tendencies to engage in parenting behavior (e.g., interact with a baby), there has been less support for this position in studies of fathers' involvement with their own children. Russell (1983), in his work on shared-caregiving families in Australia, found that these fathers in comparison with fathers in traditional families were higher on femininity. Moreover, compared with those in traditional...

How parents can help

Mary is an attractive, intelligent child aged eight years. She moved schools because she was being bullied. Her previous school, despite its high status and religious affiliations, ignored the bullying. She is shy, and seldom complained to her teacher, although her parents went to theschoolten times in threeyears. Mary felt as though her 'insides were on fire'. Her parents moved her to a new, caring school. They soon discovered that she was so hurt by the previous bullying that she couldn't enjoy the friendly kids and safe environment at her new school, so they took herfor counselling. They realised that they needed to change as well they had to become more socially aware to help her reduce her shyness. They had to develop assertive skills and encourage her to use more eye contact, facial expression, a stronger voice - which they did. She is now enjoying her new school.

The dumbstruck look

The moment you reply in a calm, polite, assertive manner, you will surprise the bully. She can't believe it. She expects you to be upset and react, not cool, calm and collected. So she does a very funny thing her eyes go wide, her jaw drops and her mouth opens wider her head goes back a little. She looks dumbstruck, like a deer in the headlights, like a fish that's been knocked on the head. It's the 'stunned mullet look'. Bullies, like everyone else, don't like being put in their place when they make a mistake. They feel stupid, stuck and powerless. The moment you give a good retort, the bully senses that something strange and inexplicable has happened. You weren't mean but she feels uncomfortable and odd.

Who Is the Character

The next thing you need to ask in planning your metaphor is, What character or characters will best communicate these therapeutic messages to the child If the outcome is greater confidence or self-assertiveness, and the child needs to learn skills to achieve this, the problem then could be one of fear or lack of assertion, so you may choose a timid mouse, afraid of the dark, who through observing what others do learns to sleep comfortably (Story 69), or a boy, afraid of snorkeling, who discovers he can swim safely with the world's biggest shark (Story 30), or a ghost who cannot scare but learns how to do so (Story 91). In the character you need a figure that can represent the problem, has the ability to build on existing resources (or develop new ones), and can reach the desired outcome. Given these three basic requirements, you have considerable choice. You may choose from the following possibilities


Sibling orientation toward infants displays features of both adult-infant and peer-infant systems (Pepler, Corter, and Abramovitch, 1982). On the one hand, siblings and infants share common interests and have more similar behavioral repertoires than do adults and infants. On the other hand, sibling pairs resemble adult-infant pairs to the extent that they differ in experience and levels of both cognitive and social ability (Abramovitch, Corter, and Lando, 1979). Older siblings tend to lead interactions and engage in more dominant, assertive, and directing behaviors. Reciprocally,

You as social coach

One day someone enterprising will create a social survival skills programme which can be directly installed into a child's brain. Meanwhile, help your child trash his negative beliefs and replace them with respectful, assertive, self-protective behaviours. All the skills in this book are practised every day, everywhere, by confident, popular children. If you don't believe me, then just check with your child how the sociable, popular kids would react in a similar situation. Use assertive behaviours instead of passive or aggressive ones.